It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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