stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
