Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
