508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
