It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
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You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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