Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
