We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
