Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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