I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You pole danced in your parka.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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