well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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