I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
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It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize