Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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