i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
