Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
this hospital has no fireball
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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