Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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