I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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