After last night, I could never be a politician.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
