Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm bleeding and have questions
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
