Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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