Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So much rum. So many feels.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
