Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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