I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize