I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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