Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
two words...techno handjob
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
