Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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