How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
