My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
