His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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