Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
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I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
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He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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