hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
