He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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