Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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