Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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