Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
