you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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