he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
