you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
FUCK WHALES
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
