Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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