I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
