I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
