OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
