There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize