oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
