im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
