We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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