Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The best revenge is premature balding
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
