i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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