I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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