I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
