First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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