Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
