can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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