She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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