Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
