either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize