so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
